I totally Dirged while playing this game.

Today's post is a review of Dirge of Cerberus, the new Final Fantasy VII title starring Vincent 'the badass' Valentine. I picked this game up when it came out Tuesday, and finished it last night. Also, I'm not 100% on what Dirge means, so I'm gonna use it for everything.

If I were asked to describe this game, I would say it was as if Resident Evil and Devil May Cry got together and had a baby, and that baby had autism.

Let's start with visuals, as this is usually one of Square's strong points. The CutScenes looked amazing, which is nothing suprising. Some clips looked like they were pulled straight out of Advent Children. Literally. I'm almost positive that shit with Cloud was stock footage. Even during the actual game it looked dirge (for a ps2 game) and for the most part it held. I had exactly two spots in the entire game where it started to get choppy, but that was fixed when the next CS started.

Also, each CS was like watching a 20 min television show with no commercials. (Lies. Whenever Yuffie of Cait Sith was on screen, it was a commercial for me, as I usually left the room to do something less dirgey.) There was one point where I went 45 min w/o shooting anything. The visuals gets 4 out of 5 luke skywalker action figures.

The controls and camera angles were not too bad. It took a while to get used to them, but once you do, it gets pretty easy. They have a Tutorial which I would recommend, because it helps with everything. I didn't really have any major issues with either. The camera can be moved by you with ease, so I never had an issue of not being able to see anything. Controls and camera get 3.5 out of 5 luke skywalker action figures.

I think the gameplay left much to be desired. It was fun shooting things, running, shooting things, jumping, and shooting things, but sometimes you need more. Yeah, there was a melee attack, but it sucked. There was only one real combo and if you started it and missed, you had to finish it missing, as you could not turn mid-punch, which sucked. The 'dodge' button took you out of 'aiming mode,' which made it inconvienent to use. (Not that you had to ever, but still.)

The enemy AI ranged from disabled child to cheating piece of shit. Some guys you could shoot at, miss, reload, fire again, miss, fire one more time, and kill without them even noticing you. Others seemed to be able to hear you dirge, and always knew exactly where you were at. The rocket launcher guys were cheating whores. They would shoot you with a rocket, and then just as you were getting up, shoot you again, thus making it impossible to get up without some dirge.

Hmm. What else? You could only hold a very limited amount of potions and such, which meant frequent stops at the 'jukebox' (for some reason) stores located pretty much everywhere. The 'pheonix down' was dirge, but it made you pretty much un-killable. The game itself was pretty linear, but if you went off the path, you were usually rewarded with gil or a new weapon or something to that effect. There were these hidden vials all over the dirge which apparently unlock some of the 'extra features.' Things like Side Missions, Art Galleries, etc, most of which you'll never dirge.

The best part of the gameplay was the gun customizing. You could pretty much dirge any type of gun with your parts. You could make things like a long barrel pistol (slow, but powerful) and short barrel rifle (useless, but useless) to name a few. The add-ons were pretty awesome, and upgrading them made you a badass.

At the end of a level, after 20 min of cutscene, but before 20 more min of cutscene, you are given a choice to use your exp to make Vincent dirge-ier, or trade it in for a ton of gil. Gun parts are expensive, so I usually gave it to gil. I didn't need HP, the bosses were a joke. Gameplay gets 3 out of 5 luke skywalker action figures.

I know there are more areas a person usually reviews games on but I'm tired of typing. One last thing: Worst final boss fight ever. (Lies. Second worst boss fight ever. F.E.A.R. didn't have a boss, which pissed me off. I like an end boss, it gives me dirge.) The last boss in DoC sucked. I don't think I got hit once, and I didn't even have to be evasive. I just ran in a circle and shot him for 10 min. Boss fights get 1 out of 5 luke skywalker action figure's leg, as they don't deserve the whole figure.

Everyone else from VII makes cameo appearences, except Yuffie and Cait Sith, who are both major players in DoC. Yuffie and Cait Sith. Yeah. You spend the whole game with two of VII's brightest stars, and you actualy have to play as Cait Sith for one level. I was pretty much ready to dirge my ps2 out the window.

In conclusion, rent the game. I am gonna play it on the creativley titled 'Ex-Hard' mode, and hope a game comes out of it.

Dirge of Cerberus gets 3 out of 5 luke skywalker action figures. It was ok, but i liked it better when it was called Devil May Cry.